


Not About Angels

by folie_a_georgia



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Based on a song, Fear, Hospital, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Ryden, awful tagging, first fic!!, friends/lovers, injuries, it's an uncertain kind of relationship, more tags will probably be added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-18
Updated: 2014-10-18
Packaged: 2018-02-19 00:01:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2366819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/folie_a_georgia/pseuds/folie_a_georgia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oh, how long a few seconds can feel when they're the ones that could change your life forever.</p><p>Brendon wishes he could remember the time before, and forget the time afterwards. The impact was over in a heartbeat, but he fears things will never be the same. Ryan could have been snatched away in the blink of an eye, after all.</p><p>Originally inspired by the Birdy song of the same title.</p><p>(Brendon and Ryan are in a car accident which has a devastating effect on their lives from that point on)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not About Angels

_It happened out of nowhere, honestly it did. And you were so afraid and I was too, believe me, but I told you it'd be fine because I knew that was what we both needed to hear. It was what you needed to believe in those few minutes when time seemed to slow almost to a stop, and every sound was faded and far-away like we were hearing it through tunnels, except for my whispering and your ragged breaths. I thought you might have been crying, but when I asked you if you were you didn't answer me, and I couldn't reach out to take your face in my hands and wipe your tears and kiss them away. I couldn't touch your face at all. Your hand was still firmly held in mine, and you squeezed back when I squeezed yours, though I think both of us were weakened with shock and fear. We weren't going anywhere, and I told you it'd be fine because that was what I wanted to believe. I'm so sorry, Ry. You don't deserve this._

I couldn't say I remembered anything particularly poignant. Couldn't recall blacking out holding his hand, had no memory of waking up and realising I was alone within white walls or anything so dramatic or vaguely movie-like. Everything remained sort of dark and hazy and drifting, I didn't know how long for exactly, and then I was in a bed that wasn't my own with scentless sheets and not drifting so much as before. I blinked my eyes open when I could, and there was a nurse there, wearing weird purplish-blue scrubs, the kind of colour probably more suited to one of Ryan's scarves than a hospital worker's clothing. He noticed me looking after about half a minute, and smiled. "Hi, I'm Lewis. Nice to see you awake properly, Brendon."

I didn't think I'd told anyone my name. "Hi, uh..." My words kind of died on my tongue. I didn't know what to say, whether I was supposed to ask something... What happened? I knew exactly what had happened. Where am I? I was in the hospital, obviously. "I don't really have anything to say, even though I feel like I should have?" He laughed. "Don't worry about it." His accent was different. Not local, but not one that I could place either. Not that I thought it really mattered. "You're one hundred percent allowed to not have anything to say. But if you think of something, you can ask. I'm just gonna get on with this. You probably don't want to look too hard." He nodded to my arm, and I wrinkled my nose. It was kind of messily bandaged, and I guessed he was going to fix that even though I couldn't feel any pain. Looking back, I guess I was pretty drugged up, which could explain why I couldn't come up with anything to say. I just shrugged, and glanced over to the window. It was dark outside, though, so there wasn't much to see. It couldn't have been more than a few hours since the impact... I really hoped not, anyway.

Lewis moved the bed so I was sitting up slightly and could see the small room around me a little better, but I closed my eyes as he worked anyway, not really paying attention to what he was doing. He noticed it within seconds. "Sorry, you can't sleep just yet. I need to tell you what happened, Brendon. It's part of my job as your nurse to make sure you know what's happened to you to wind you up in here, and to let you know what's gonna happen now. Okay?"  
"I already know. The... the accident. I didn't forget." I sighed. "Where's Ryan? Can I see him before you tell me everything I already know?"  
"I'm afraid not. Ryan's being taken care of right now too, we'll find out when you can see him later." He was looking up at me, but he looked back down to my arm when our eyes met.  
I tilted my head back and gazed at the ceiling. "Alright. Hit me with all the boring details."  
"The driver of the other vehicle admitted to running the red light. His truck hit your car on the driver's side. Apparently you were lucky not to get flipped, tiny car like yours. It's a write-off."  
I decided I liked Lewis. He said everything so bluntly, there weren't any airs and graces about his words. It was the kind of way that I felt someone like him, with his responsibility, should be speaking. "It's Ryan's car, not mine. We still have one at home, it'll be fine..." I shrugged with one shoulder, since he was holding my arm still.  
"Alright. That's good. Next..." He glanced at a clipboard. "You should be able to be discharged some time tomorrow. You've got off surprisingly lucky, you know. This arm's pretty cut up, as is your face, and you're a little bruised, but there's no severe damage since you were on the side with the least impact from the collision. Nothing broken." He smiled slightly, letting me go and standing up.

I bit my lip. "Is that it? Nothing else you have to tell me?"  
"I don't think so. It's probably best for you to get some proper sleep now, it's almost midnight and I have to check on you every six hours at least. Want anything before I go?"  
"Could you tell me what's wrong with Ryan?" I asked. Even I could hear the fearful tremor in my voice, and I hated it. "I need to know. I won't be able to sleep if I'm worrying about him."  
Lewis shook his head. "No, Brendon, I can't. Firstly, I don't know, and secondly, it's a violation of confidentiality because I don't have his permission. I'm sorry. I can give you a sleeping pill if you need one."  
"I don't want a pill."  
"Then I'll see you in six hours. Go to sleep," he told me quietly, and left. He turned out the light on his way out of the room, leaving me in darkness other than the dim glow of a streetlight on the other side of the alleyway, four floors down from my lonely room.

I imagined Ryan, wondering if we were divided by staircases and locked doors or maybe just by a single wall. I liked to think he lay asleep, the wall above his head on the other side of the one above mine. Perhaps he'd already gone home, and would be back in the morning to take me too, and we'd be able to forget today and act like nothing had happened and continue with our lives. I knew it was unlikely, considering that if Ryan weren't a patient there wouldn't have been any 'confidentiality' to prevent Lewis from telling me he'd gone home... but I liked to think I could believe it. The image of his sleeping face, one I'd seen so many times through the years when he dropped off unexpectedly as he was so prone to do, on my shoulder or in my lap or in the car when it was my turn to drive, was something for me to hold in my mind as I reluctantly let myself sink into sleep.

-

I woke to him checking me over, and I wanted to roll over and go straight back to sleep and forget everything, because it hurt and he was shining light in my eyes and not letting me close them, so I huffed out a breath to let him know I was awake. "Can you not just fu- screw off?"  
"No," Lewis told me simply. I couldn't tell if he was laughing.  
"Can you tell me anything about Ryan?"  
"Yes, actually. Once I change your dressing, since you've been moving round in your sleep. As long as you actually cooperate with me and sit up." He grinned.  
I scrambled to do as he said, offering my arm out, practically vibrating with the anticipation of finding out what had happened to Ryan and where he was and whether he was okay. "Can you tell me while you do it? I kind of really need to know."

As I spoke, I noticed the light catching the three silvery beads on the bracelet tied round my left wrist. Ryan had given it to me last Christmas, five thin strips of black leather woven into a braid with the beads looped on. He'd called it his promise, and I always referred to it as Ryan's promise in my head. A promise that we'd be happy.

"I can if you really want me to..." Lewis sounded unsure to me, and something in his tone made my teeth sink into my lower lip. The next thing I knew, it had softened to somewhere between a whisper and normal speech, and I didn't know how to react. "As you know, he received more of the impact of the crash, due to the angle at which your vehicle collided with the other one... He's in a pretty bad way, Brendon, I'm sorry."   
"How bad?" I didn't trust myself with more than a couple of syllables, and even they sounded sort of choked coming out. I moved my left wrist to my right hand, clutching Ryan's promise like it could make everything not real, take me back to the minute Ryan picked me up from work so I could offer to drive instead because I'd know what was coming.  
I swore I heard Lewis sigh. "Pretty bad," he repeated. "The other vehicle hit the front of your car. He's got some sort of whiplash from it, but so have you, so it could be worse there. The car crumpled inwards, though."  
I swallowed hard. "His legs...?"  
"Broken, but can be fixed."  
"I get the feeling you're not telling me something."

He stayed quiet.

"Lewis?"

"There's some damage to his spinal cord, Brendon. It's not certain that he'll be able to walk again."

**Author's Note:**

> okay!! so this is my first fic ever for this fandom, and my first fic ever on AO3... fun times. Let me know what you think!


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